It's the company you keep.

I spent time with an old friend last night.

I grew up with this person. Not in the sense that I knew him for my whole life. But I knew him when it was most important.

We met in Eighth Grade, history class. He sat in front of me and drove me nuts. I, quite possibly, was mean to him. I could've thought nasty thoughts about him. But at some point he offered me a red lifesaver, and I really wanted the cherry lifesaver, so I agreed to marry him.

Senior year in high school I watched him get forceably removed from a New Years Eve party, after he was standing up for his best friend, to a guy who was eventually a Defensive Back for The Ohio State University. Again, his mouth got him in trouble, this time it was a pick up by the belt loops and toss into the snow.

June, after graduation, we ended up getting lunch together. Twice. Once it was 3pm. It was my first interaction with the freedom I would have in college. I can eat when I want? Really? After the second lunch, we hugged, and I kissed him on the neck. Not sure why. It just seemed right.

Maybe a day later, he kissed me at a party, after I went upstairs to get away from ridiculous arguing amongst people below. We both knew it was life changing. That sounds really overly-dramatic. But it really was. You know, maybe I feel that way more than he does. I don't know. We haven't talked that much about it. Although today, driving back from spending about 24 hours with him as real adults, I can see how I went through a lot of experiences with him. A lot of stuff I wouldn't take back, eventhough some were mistakes.

His offer to cheer me up, take me away from all of the stuff I am going through in my own town, was really special to me. It reminded me of his willingness to run his mouth, for someone he cared for, even if it would send him into the front porch snowbank. Not that I would get him in trouble in anyway, but his loyalty to me as a friend, still, just moves me to tears. I knew I would always love him. And it is still true.

You know, I don't remember details about relationships as much as I do with him. Something about that summer, about the first year of college, about trying to make a long distance relationship work, sticks with me.

I took my first pregnancy test with him. My only pregnancy test. Or if there was another, I don't remember it. (See!) We reminisced last night about the first time we ever drove through Cincinnati as 19 year olds. We were playing dress-up for a university dance, which we never made it to, and went to Mortons for dinner. A lot of my appreciation for everything pleasurable comes from my time with him. But along the lines of that fumbling trip through the city, we fumbled back to a grocery store because I told him about my worry. And he bought the test. And when we talked last night, he remembered with precision the checkout counter and conversation that ensued. Am I delusional to think it was more than the damn pregnancy test that makes him recall it all so vividly?

The first time I ever traveled to stay in a city with a boyfriend, was with him. We went to Boston. He treated me like a princess. We had amazing food. Walked the city. And I didn't feel like I was only 19 or 20. I had sea bass in one restaurant, which was near a church, and it had a purple fluorescent sign. Our Concierge made recomendations and reservations for us. We watched the sunrise on the beach in New Hampshire. There was a blanket, and other things, and we walked the boardwalk after and ate breakfast at a little diner. Even after we broke up, we said we'd go back in five years if we weren't with people. When the five years came around, I was getting married. I'm pretty sure he was with someone too.


It is obvoius we were not supposed to be together forever, looking back, it was me who made that initial decision. That is not what this is about at all. But it is about people and the imprints they leave on you forever. The idea that we become people based on interactions and relationships. I am a better person because of him. I can't really say that about the person I am leaving behind. And that is where my heart breaks. Because six years changed me from that person I was before; the person I really enjoyed being.

It is scary being open. Raw. I have read and reread this post multiple times, not wanting to sound sad or sappy or psycho, for that matter. Because I am not. I am letting myself feel this freedom and acknowledging what it shows me. This is all what I saw today.