Ceasing or Seizing

Two blogs just doesn't seem funny anymore. I direct your attention to just the one:
Cooking for Love
Thanks for stopping by San Diego.

The Grey's Anatomy Project

Goal: Watch three seasons of Grey's by next week.
Current Progress: Four episodes of Season 1.
Observations:
-I have never seen someone look so skinny in pants before. Holy cow Meredith is skinny.
-I am enjoying the soundtrack. And last night I chose to fall asleep with my ipod on, feeling like I too have a soundtrack to my life. In the dark, I just breathe one deep breath and then sink into Steely Dan telling me he wants to learn to play the saxophone.
-Spending this much time in front of my tv has made me want to:
1. Remove my carpet and lay down Pergo.
2. Rearrange my furniture, moving my tv to the corner, but it will block a window, so I think I am over that whim.
3. Get a new tv.

Use it! Own it!

I have decided, when I am at a loss to describe something, and that something is not stressful! It is breezy! It is easy and some may say, "a piece of cake"; to me, it is now going to be "Kindergarten and Cheesecake."

Cheesecake and Kindergarten

I dreamt last night that I was going to start a new blog called "Cheesecake and Kindergarten". I was going to abandon this one, and start a new one. Hmm, two things that are completely unrelated to me. I don't even like cheesecake.

Football Season?

I'm not ready. It is too hot here. It doesn't feel like Chili weather. It doesn't feel like the leaves will ever change. It just isn't time for football.

The last six years have had very specific traditions linked up to football season. It was consistent. It was routine. It was comfortable.

I think the theme for my 29th year is going to be "Letting Go." Letting go of the need to have plans always set. Letting go of the need to map out the week a week in advance. Just allowing myself to unravel a little so that it doesn't always seem so tense if there isn't a PLAN!

And the world will not end if I do not see every play of the game on Saturday. I should not schedule work around the start of the game. (meanwhile inside I am thinking...I don't want to work on Saturdays! That is just going to be torture! Maybe I'll call my boss NOW and let her know I am changing my mind. Now I want to work FRIDAYS!) I am going to start the whole "letting go" thing after I figure out my work schedule. gotta go!

You are a cute little virus, yes you are!

Why the baby talk? Because I had the delight of watching the first baby gifts in my family be received by my sister yesterday. And I have one question to ask the world.

Why do only BABIES get the super-soft blankets? At what point did they decide to deny adults the comfort?

Okay, I have a second question.

Who can STOP buying baby clothes once they start?? Not I! Oh, Sister, you are wondering why there was only ONE outfit included in your gift from me?? Just you wait! (It was the cutest outfit with "Give Peas A Chance" written across the front.)

Now to the subject most important right now...my computer has a virus. And it is a tricky little virus. Almost worthy of BEING a virus it is so tricky.

When I went to download free software to remove the virus, the pop-ups came up so fast and furious that I couldn't do anything except scramble to stop the internet connection. And even that didn't stop them! And CTRL ALT DEL to stop processes, yea, that apparently has been disabled too. Could this be an excellent excuse to get a new laptop? You know, the PINK or LIME colored Dells??

Superstar!

I wish I could post a picture of my Mary Catherine Gallagher inspired cheerleading move, which I revived for our staff meeting today.

I successfully performed this move while announcing to all 85 of us that "My divorce is final Tuesday." **superstar move** Thankfully there was laughter and not looks of horror. It is my intention to make this information public and light-hearted before the name change goes into effect and people are too concerned about upsetting me to ask what's up. Because truthfully, I am fine! And it is a positive move for my life. And He and I BOTH agree it is necessary. And caused by both of our poor decisions. Now WHOSE decisions came first are no longer worth arguing about. NO LONGER WORTH ARGUING ABOUT, I SAY!!

Now Achilles wants more posts. Of course he does! He also does not know that tomorrow is the first day of school. That I am going to be working and not worrying about the Walrus noises from the neighborhood or the state of my lawn. But working also gets me all, well, worked up, so I am sure more posts will be inspired by the cherubs that I get the pleasure of performing for every day.

Stay tuned, year 8 of teaching begins manana.

Dream Revisited

I think we all have dreams that occur more than once. That thought that creeps in at the oddest of times, or maybe it comes when you are in the same mood, or maybe when you've eaten something odd.

One of my dreams involves a beach and gigantic waves. Waves that are impending doom. Waves that are going to crash on top of me and probably leave me tumbling underwater for minutes. I take deep breaths. I try to hold onto something stable. And these dreams have been around since college. So well before tsunamis and that whole business.

Last night I dreamt I was in Australia (should I leave out that the Australia detail probably comes from watching ONE episode of the new Real World TWO days ago??), watching these beautiful huge waves just rise and fall, with minimal concern of them landing over me. I could see the sun reflecting and almost create lightening type brilliance off of the blue water. Like flash bulbs going off. I was sitting outside of a beach house (this detail perhaps come from the book I was reading before bed The Memory Keeper's Daughter), and the water kept creeping up to my feet, as the tide was coming in. Alongside me are my parents. And perhaps there was an owner of the house, because Lord knows we don't summer in Sydney. One of those nightmare waves was suddenly on the horizon. I go to take a deep breath, and my mom just calmly gets up and goes in the house, and we all follow. And poof the fear was over. Thanks Mom!!

I think when I am feeling overwhelmed this dream comes along. Last night I was in a car accident. It was not my fault. And now I just have to hope all the reimbursements come from the other guy's insurance company and my car gets fixed and it is all good. I am worried my car and its damage will make it not quite the same.

Funny note: I think my subconscious gave my mom a reprieve by having her be the hero in my dream. When I called my parents to see if they could come to the scene and assist, my mom is like, "Uh, yea. Let me give the phone to your dad. I was going to go workout." I giggled...thanks mom!!

It is Official

Last night at approximately 2300 hrs, the cells, embedded in the railing of my deck, were demolished with chemical weapons. Under the cover of darness, and hoping to limit any casualties or flesh wounds, the nests were overcome with a precise spray, promising to kill on contact. It was a quick and unexpected attack, with no allied or civilian casualties.

Translation: The Bees are DEAD.

From the Mouths of Old White Lawyer Men

"Everyone lies. It is just who lies the least."

At work last night, an attorney sat down with his wife. This attorney looked familiar, and I instantly knew why. I have had the pleasure of jury duty and it was for an entertaining case, involving a stocky 6 pack a day man with the gout who hurt his knee sliding around in the backseat of a taxicab while holding a hotdog in one hand and an ice cold coke in the other. He wanted over 100k because he could no longer work.

The guy got ZIP.

The attorney I saw last night represented this guy. And HE said, "I represent stupid people."

Well if everyone lies, why didn't Gout Guy have better lies?

Profound Use of Ellipsis

"The thing that p's me off...is that we have to learn these lessons and REAL relationships have to die...to learn them....that is a huge cost...I hate that."

Ignoring the insane amount of ellipsis, this is still a quote that rings true. It may not ring true to everyone, because I'm not sure everyone has had the pleasure of experiencing so much wrong in order to make a right. I've experienced a lot of wrong. I think I now deserve all of the right that I'm experiencing. And the hardest part is trying to figure out how I deserved all of that WRONG.

Sleeper Cells

I have an agreement with the bees on my property. They don't bug me, and I don't bug them. So I can sit peacefully, one will buzz ever so gently past me, and I don't freak out, flailing and squeeling like a banshee.

They have turned on me. They have used their passive nature to lull me into an unsuspecting state. And have created two forts in the railing of my deck, and now I think they are planning to surround me, leaving me helpless and my allowance of their presence taken advantage of. Could this be Bee War?

I took the angry end of a spatula to one of the forts. As I inserted the handled end, I realized that the railing was deep, meaning the fort was created similar to the Pentagon. It looks harmless and only a couple floor high, but that bitch goes down like 20! These bees had taken lessons from our own Defense Department! Oh their good!

Banging the end around inside, a couple scouts flew out, but after surveying the damage, realized I had done no harm and went back to working. The second fort, no different. I will have to resort to WMD. Chemical Warfare. These jerks cannot make me live a life lacking freedom! Freedom to grill! Freedom to sun myself! Freedom to deck drink! Freedom to do all of those self-indulgent things a Good American partakes in!

Deep Thought for the Day

Love means Nothing, to me.
It is a word so overused that it should only be used for things that can't express emotion back.

Like cheese, a sunset, the stars, and cold beer after work.

Expressions of love are so much more important than just saying the word. It ruins it to look back at all those we've "loved" before. My love for cheese will never be past tense.

Mammograms

In honor of the breast talk yesterday...go to this blog and laugh your boobies off.

Spelling Bee: Smart Ass

As I teach writing to a student that hates the mere idea of putting his ideas onto paper, I am reminded about how I think. When I brainstorm, it goes everywhere, and often changes the direction of the initial idea drastically.

Example: I wanted to write about being a smart ass. I am one. Self proclaimed not ashamed. The joke has always been that if you graduate from my high school, you must excel in the topic. My brainstorm began with the two words, went through a clever definition, and yada yada yada it ended with breastfeeding. WHAT?!

Let me take you through my steps. I think the term probably originated in early civilizations when donkeys were used as cheap labor. If you had a smart donkey, it was probably rare. This donkey was also stubborn. I think smart ass people are stubborn, for sure! I think they also are smart asses to protect themselves from actually sharing their true feelings; donkey's couldn't tell their cheap owners they didn't want to tow that big bag o' rocks, coffee beans, what have you, and so they'd just go slowly to avoid the inevitable. Because how often does a smart ass get to the point? A smart ass comment is a stall before the truth. What is truth? Honesty. Why is honesty hard? Because it leaves you vulnerable. What else leaves you vulnerable? Having a baby gnawing on your nipples. Hence...breastfeeding.

Phew!

What matters to me most in writing is the voice. It is the ability to hear the person and to feel like you are reading something authentic. Without even knowing someone, an author, it should feel like the story is true and sincere. I feel like I lost my voice last week. I could write on many topics but I don't know how authentic it would be.

I just finished a book by Amy Tan. She is a Chinese American author with many novels; two of them I have read and were both about mother-daughter relationships. I think looking analytically at an immediate relationship has much bias. I don't choose to look at that currently.

My mom's mother once responded to a request of mine in a way that made me think I truly knew her and could see her soul. While seated at the kitchen table on a Sunday afternoon, I asked her, "Can I see your wedding ring?"

As she took it off to let me hold it, she replied, "Do you want it?"

The look on her face, the edge of her voice, showed me that she was unhappy. But what could she do about it? At that time, she was in her 70s, and had been married probably 3 times as long as she had been single in her life. I think she probably did a lot of the same things I do to hide from discontent. She cooked a lot. Had set routines to the week. Tried to please the one person who probably would always be at least a little displeased, her husband.

To go through the details of the rise and fall and freedom from that relationship are painful. As with anything of the generations slowly aging and fading, it involves sickness, neglect, and death. But She came out with a freedom that caused her to have a large amount of fear, I think. Fear of having a vast pool to jump into, and yet such a large space to drown in as well.

At 82, she remarried and is sitting comfortably watching a whole new line up of baseball games and old western movies. It is her comfort that matters, and who are we to judge if it is the softest of leather couches or the hardest futon with little give. For some people it is just the chance to sit down, with someone next to you to hold your hand.

I write this to tell a story. To look at how the traits of our families are etched in our bones, often without a choice. A fear of being alone. Fear of succombing to unhappiness and replacing the bad with good. At 29, I am not 87. Not even close, but there is something in her that I think explains little parts of me.

And if I don't write with my voice, out of fear of the hard conversations and people actually reading me, I'll lose my voice forever. (I'll try and be funny tomorrow; I promise!)

My Love

I just paused the movie The Departed to say that I am in love with Leonardo DiCaprio. And Malbecs from the Mendoza region of Argentina.

Thank you and Happy F-in 4th of July.

What The...??/

I was setting up my sprinkler this morning, and I swear someone let their walrus out and he was barking up a storm. I don't know what type of animal makes this noise, but it was so weird! I even put a bra on, thinking I would go walk around the block to find it, but by the time I got the girls in their home, it had stopped.

Feeling Mute

I have not said more than 5 words to someone since Tuesday. That feels really weird. And the only people I have spoken to were in the "service industry", and it doesn't really feel like it counts. (Little observation of DC...the service industry isn't that great.)

Now I guess I should clarify that I spoke on the phone to my mom and my dad. But in person to a living human being, nothin'.

Now that I am back in town, I feel like I want to talk or see someone. More importantly, I want to cook! So if you want to come for dinner, let me know :) Ha. It is Friday. Kinda short notice. Whatever...drop everything so I can talk to someone before I go buy a cat.

CHANGING THE SUBJECT (my nose itches just THINKING about cat hair)
Some more observations about DC.

1. Very few wedding rings.

2. ANOTHER person asked me directions.

3. I saw the most entertaining jewish man on the train from DC to Baltimore. He was loud, large, and had one of the funnier phone conversations ever. If I WAS actually mute, he would've made me snort, similar to Goth Girl in The Breakfast Club. His conversation went like this:
"HELL-OH?" (very loudly)
"I don't care. You want spaggheti, or a macaroni, or pizza? I could go for pizza. Oh Franks. That sounds fine." (pause)
"You know if you have anymore of the kinnish, I'd really like that kinnish with the franks. If we do Franks we'll need more ______ (insert inaudible word of something that I may have NO idea what it was)."
"Oh our trip? Well I thought we'd talk about that tomorrow."
"You want to get some bagel? And something to put on it? Make sandwhiches or something?"
Then abruptly..."bye".
Now if this is not entertaining, I will say I was mighty tired and probably punchy.

4. Arlington National Cemetery: I saw a funeral, heard the gun shots, and then saw the army wheel in three HUGE guns on wheels, and heard those fired when I was leaving. And the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was hot, like handsome, but probably sweaty too. Some wise owl told me that they had identified the remains of the unknown soldier. In no way did they notate this at the Tomb. Makes me wonder if they buried that guy with his name and such, and replaced it with remains of ANOTHER unknown. I'm sure there are MORE!

Observations from DC

1. Why does the EPA building take up so much Environment? It is ENORMOUS
2. Indian food tastes the same in DC as it does in Ohio. Good job Amul India.
3. I saw a little person today and TWO albinos. Oh the diversity here!
4. TWICE people asked ME for directions. So thrilled that I look like I belong.
5. I don't think I have ever crossed so many streets in one day in my life. People told me to take mace; seriously, the danger of being HIT crossing one of the bajillion streets seems much greater!
6. Walking by George Washington Hospital and Medical School makes me want to be a doctor. Uh, little late, yah?

Having a great time!

Kristy Queen of Water

The last three days of my Summer of Kristy has been spent doing, among other things, watering my lawn, herbs, tomatoes, hanging baskets. It is hard keeping up with what they are saying could be a draught! And everytime the smarmy weathermen on the radio try and pacify the people of this lovely town with "ohhh possible thunderstorm!", I want to throw things at the radio. But as the only thing I'd have to throw is my cell phone, which is now surprisingly delicate and no longer up to military standards, I choose to just shake my fist and say, "ruuuuuue". Because no, it doesn't rain.

I went walking through the 'hood yesterday and my lawn is certainly not green compared to some. And my GOD some people have shade from large trees! Where did these trees come from? I have a tree, and she is pathetic in stature.

There was always a bit of a disagreement about getting a sprinkler system. It was probably that or a deck, and the deck won out. Now that I am the sole owner of this establishment, I am very pleased that the DECK does not cost an extra 200 a month, as the emmense amount of water probably would've. Likewise, I am not scampering about on the grass; so it isn't like I need lush green under my bare feet. And do NOT try and scamper on this grass now, because it is a wee painful!

And with my new pedicure, I should NOT be walking barefoot out there anyway! So see! It all works out. The new color is called: "Sun-body Loves Me". I think I prefer "My Chihuahua Bites."

God Bless...

The Walmart checkout woman who told me, "You should have your husband do this for you," as I heaved two bags of potting soil, three hanging baskets, 4 pots, and 6 vegetable plants onto the scanner.

My response, "If I had one, he probably still wouldn't do it."

Oh disillusionment! Look what's become of me!

The Cycle

Losing, leaving, moving on...there is a progression of emotions, just like with death. I don't know the order of it all. I know one stage is anger. Looking through my posts, my anger stage was the first week of May. It really didn't last all that long. Looking over His anger stage from last year, I think it lasted 9 months. Not sure what that says about either of us. I suppose everyone is different. Or maybe I am indifferent.

I moved back into a sadness phase last night, while I was trying to fall asleep alone. It lasted 2 minutes, involved no tears, and ended with giggling. I think I fell asleep giggling, actually.

Because what am I sad about? What am I wishing would happen? It moves me back to my teenage relationships where it was just the idea of someone that was missed. Because what would have to change to ever make that relationship work? We would have to be two completely different people. Everthing about the past would have to be perfectly erased from memories.

There is nothing to be sad about. Person A and Person B should've always just been friends. Nothing about A or B was conducive for any relationship other than friends. And I thought that was the best part of our relationship...we WERE just friends first. And looking over what was best about our romantic relationship? Those things we had in common that could've always just been, well, a friendship.

Good Dates

It is so simple to write about bad dates. Writing about good dates just seems ridiculous. Writing about how excited I am about a person I met or prospects seems like a jinx.

And to talk about how "in the future if they read my blog..." seems like a huge jinx! This is what I said about dating and the FEAR. How do I sit back and not think about the future? Is there a girl out there that doesn't meet a guy, think positive thoughts about him, and then attach the guy's last name to hers?

I have a FRIEND. A FRIEND people, and I literally, in my head was like, "Hmm, Kristy ________? Nah, that would be weird."
(yes, male friend...)

Funny how blog entries start as one thing, and then move onto another.

Mmm, pizza.

I have to pee.

Okay, bye.

I am a Writer

If I counted the number of people that have told me to write a book, well, I'd still have a free hand, but still! People have said I should! So enter the dilemma.

I am an instant gratification type-o-person. If there is one thing my EX accused me of that I agree with, this is it. So when I have a great topic idea, or event, or story, I want to share it and get instant feedback from the blog world. But that leaves little to write about for, say, a book.

This leads me to be realistic. Do I really have that much dedication to write a whole book? Notsomuch. Do I have that much faith that I could come up with that much stuff to fill a whole book? Not even close.

So therefore, it will all come here, free of charge, for you people who read the blog, which I could probably also count on one hand. It still doesn't change the fact that I am a writer.

Yes, Personality Matters.

It has been such an eventful week, but by far the most noteworthy thing that happened is not the most entertaining. I'd like to share the most entertaining.

A friend of mine works with a guy, who is tall, cute, and supposedly someone I should meet. He, upon closer inspection and a face to face meeting yesterday, is not a nice person.

I was warned that this friend in the past had been known to call people "cute" who in fact had mullets, so I was wary of what this fellow would look like. After talking to him, he didn't SOUND like he had a mullet. And because he played Tennis in college, I figured the odds of a mulleted tennis player was pretty slim. The phone conversation was a bit confusing, and not because i was drunk, because i wasn't, but more because the reception was bad. So I went ahead and scheduled a meeting for Sunday, hoping that my initial gut instinct (this guy is a jerk) was false.

I am happy to report my GUT seems to be working.

I arrived to find him sitting at the bar in a red t-shirt and baseball cap, shorts and black Chucks. He had very nice calf muscles, but it probably comes from toting around his incredibly large ego and hyperbolic self perception. For a graduate of the University of Dayton, you'd think he played tennis at Stanford. And the criticism of living in Oxford was equally hilarious, as last I checked Dayton is not exactly a pleasure paradise.

Clearly this guy didn't care if I respected him, as he had zero respect for me, or any woman for that matter. He went on to say that he'd never play golf with a girl. That he never saw any of his three siblings graduate, eventhough at least ONE graduated from Medical School (but only Pharmacy, so you know, her 6 figure salary doesn't count). He called at least three things "retarded" and didn't stop there, as he hit the side of his hand to his chest and made noises as if to mimic a handicapped person. I didn't realize people over 13 still did this! And he paid for the bill when I was in the restroom, only because, "She put them together." and then "I don't want you to think I am a nice person or anything." To which I replied with, "I figured that out already."

A coworker asked, "But was he cute enough that it didn't matter?" Clearly this coworker was a guy. It could NEVER EVER EVER not matter.

So to summarize the more important events so as not to bore you all...
I am now living in my house alone.
I had my first day of work at a new summer job Saturday; it rocked.
Friday night I had dinner at a great restaurant and got a new book, bottle of wine, and chocolates from a friend of mine.
Thursday night my students did a rockin' job presenting their final projects, and the governor's wife came and loved the projects!

Today

A couple months ago I learned about a thing called the "Golden Birthday". It is the birthday when your age is the same as the date.

Today is mine.

I received a card from my coworkers:
"Did you know that more than a million people were born on your birthday"
open card
"That makes you one in a million."

Gee. Thanks!

For Future Knowledge

I have come to find out my friends have been put in a couple awkward situations. It makes me angry to know that they had to think about my relationship with Him. That they had to stress a little bit over how to handle things. I say a little bit, because I am not going to presume they stressed a lot. That would be a bit egotistical. But the concern over whether or not to TELL ME things has to be at least a little inconvenient for them. Especially when they have lives that are probably a bit stressful all by themselves, without figuring in my fucked up situation of the last 9 months.


In no way do I think they handled any of these things poorly. There is zero blame on them for not telling me things when they happened. There is zero blame for them telling me things now. It is sad and hurtful that the things happened. I am probably not as upset learning about them now, as I would've been learning about them then.

I think looking back at it is a good learning experience, so that if I am ever in that position, God forbid, I can impart some wisdom from this. To me, of course, it begs the question, do I wish they had handled it differently? The only reason I DO, is because in the moment, I could've handled it with Him. But now, having those conversations--ha, who am I kidding, they would be arguments--are a Moo Point. It is like a cow's opinion. It's just Moo.

The Illustrious Life I Lead: Bingo Show

I chose to stay in last night. That makes it sound like I did it on purpose. Or I had the option of many other things. And you know what? I had another option, but it turned into a "Couples" thing, and I wasn't feeling like being the confident girl who can hang out with all couples and be totally cool with it. I think there are times that I feel that way; this weekend, the one before my birthday, just isn't that way.

So I rented a movie (Black Dahlia), doctored up a Thin Crust Digiorno Cheese Pizza, bought a six pack of Miller Lite, and set off to enjoy my solo Friday night.

It began with watching a tivo'd Deadliest Catch. The show is addicting. And the idea that it is negative 20 and they are getting WET just amazes me. Upon the baking of my turkey pepperoni and banana pepper pizza, I threw in the dvd.

I rented it because I love Scarlett Johansson. I think a GUY is supposed to say that, but she just intrigues me. I think I am most intrigued by what it is about her that makes her sexy. I mean, is she attractive? Does her voice actually come out of HER? She speaks and it just doesn't MATCH her face.

Josh Hartnett is also in this film, and his voice over commentary throughout is irritating. I know the film was supposed to feel like a classic detective flick, with the overly-dramatic cop giving the play by play, so I guess it achieved its purpose. Oh, and I HATE Hillary Swank.

So the movie is over. I don't eat the entire pizza (yea self-control) and now the Bingo Show is on. There is actually a show, on Friday nights, where people play BINGO! And it is on A-fucking BC! For serious!? As if to say, "You are a loser at home on Friday night, and LOSERS play bingo!"

I was incensed by a couple things. First: The host is bald and looks like Howie Mandel; however, he is British. And his referees in the audience, British accents also, but they are Indian. Is it supposed to be like a Cricket Match? Do Bingo players need a ref.? Do they get feisty and need split up?

Second: Manufactured Drama. They announce how many people are only ONE bingo spot away. Suspense! Intrigue! And they talk to those lucky saps, who only have ONE more spot before they ruin the main contestants hopes and dreams!

Third: Before the huge bingo ball comes out the shoot, the contestant is encouraged to make some arm motion to signal that indeed a ball is coming. And then of course, hot Ball Grabber Girl announces what the number is on the ball.

Fourth: Hot Ball Grabber Girl

I will say, I only watched 10 minutes of this show, then retreated to my room where guess what was on the tv...Deadliest Catch! Score!

So...dating?

It came to me during conversations over the last year that my first real adult relationship was with Him.

I think I am going to suck at this.

If there is, like, patience necessary, and uncertainty for days at a time on if someone is 'into you' or not, I may die. And I keep thinking about that book or guy or book guy that is titled "He's Just Not Into You."

Oh, and if my mother recommends one more self-help, how to sell your house, so-and-so was single for a whole YEAR thing to me, I may vomit.

Now, it has only been a month. I'm in big trouble, right? I mean, I might need to be medicated.

Reading the Signs II: Water Heater

So the heating plate on our hot water heater broke. I can take this as a sign. But I think it could go two ways.

1. Upon this occurring, I called and investigated what needs to be done and who can do it. I called M/I's warranty department. I called a friend who could possibly fix it. I even know someone that can get the part at COST. It is probably not going to be fixed today, but it will definitely get resolved. I am hoping it won't cost an incredible amount of money. But look at me taking care of all of it!

2. Another way I could look at this is that I can NOT afford this house by myself. I am pursuing taking over the mortgage so that I am living alone in my house and not sharing with a guy that doesn't want to be with me. Could this failure of a water heater be pointing me to sticking it out until it sells so as not to push me into debt and/or make me get five new gray hairs which shall be named:
lawn care,
electric bill,
water heater,
ramen noodles, and
second job.

Which way should I read this sign?

The Illustrious Life I Lead

Nothing better than an evening spent watching the food channel and trying to get a knot out of the drawstring of my cotton capri pajama pants.

In The Mirror

I found a new gray hair sticking straight up at the place my bangs part. I am naming it "Divorce".

Interestingly enough, my bangs don't always part the same way. Rarely will the same bangs join each other from one day to the next. We will call it a sign that I am a Gemini. One day they are all together over to the left. Other days some go to the right, very stubbornly.

Now the fact that this gray hair is right there in the "gray zone", seems fairly interesting. Some days it will probably go happily with the other little life experiences, and others it will stand up obstinately.

So you can see how unhealthy it would be, to me, to color it and just pretend it was never there at all.

Reading the Signs

One of my coworkers, who is on maternity leave, brought in her little baby girl. Within 2 hours, one of my students, who is in college now, brought in his puppy.

What exactly goes in the middle of thse two extremes? One is a full fledged adult, married, with two other children and a husband; the other is a sophomore in college, thinking a puppy is a good addition to his already hectic life of class and athletics.

In the middle goes a newly divorcing 28 year old, who will soon have a new home and new area of town, in need of a dog for protection and companionship, and maybe a good excuse to meet other dog-fools at parks.

Possible dog names:
Jack
Andy
Brian

I used to think I wanted a little dog, who I could carry around. Then I thought I want a big dog, something I could hug and love and definitely NOT call George.

Now I think I want a dog that will catch frisbees. Who I could teach to do the agility courses. Who would possibly rock at the crazy dog relay race I've seen on Animal Planet. I think those dogs definitely look like a Jack, Andy, or Brian.

Last night He....

just kidding.

down and back up.

Everyone deserves a good breakdown every now and again.

Unfortunately mine comes, provoked by words of another, on an already stressful day. And if you've ever tried to NOT cry in front of 50 kids, you'll know that it is terribly difficult.

I don't discuss things that happened a year ago because I am trying to deal with the present. It isn't because I am not willing to put blame on myself. Or because I feel blameless now. I know things ended because of me. Because I was not enough for someone. After seeing all of the stuff going on, it is funny that I was not the one that ended it. I just was trying and trying and it wasn't enough; or it wasn't trying the right way, with the right things. Although when someone is truly trying BACK, they aren't doing that other stuff too.

And maybe some of the things I was doing wrong were indeed that I didn't really know who I was when I was with him. And I didn't know how to voice who I actually was deep down inside TO HIM. I can't explain why it was different. Maybe it was the conversation. Maybe it was alittle to do with how he talked to me. I've always said that at work, I am ME. WIth my girlfriends, I am ME. That is really why I keep writing. So I am actively pursuing that person inside so that I can meet someone who makes ME feel like she is always out.

I think we all know now what He is doing and that I am trying to deal with it. It isn't really necessary to chronicalize (word?) it any further.

For those who wondered...yes. He is still alive. And boy is he kicking, if kicks come in words intended to make someone feel about wee big.

I suppose if my affairs were posted like this, I'd kick too.

up and down

So it isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes no matter how much you protect yourself and create distractions, it isn't quite enough. And when you are living in the room located over a garage door that never goes up, all night long, and you notice, it really can make you feel.....



down.

Filed under "Talents I Don't Do Enough With"

Euchre

Oh I'm good :)

As I've often said, if I'm not good at it, I don't do it.

Filed under "Things I Don't Do Because I Suck At It":
darts
billiards
swim laps

Humble Pie

So I said I wanted to be all honest and stuff. It is supposed to be freeing...

I got kinda mad today because some chick was singing in my basement. She was recording with some guys He knows, and I thought He had gone and started a band with a chick singer and I was pissy. Taking it personally. Overanalyzing it that it was just another way to twist and twist this dagger.

She was not recording with his band. Just recording. In our basement.

She is good too.

But OH the angry posts I had typed and retyped about it. Now I didn't really need to be angry.

I suck.

Things Worthy of an Apology in La-La Land

Not telling me sooner-----Check!

Sex with someone else----Nope!

Charging $40 a month to Match.com but not paying equal of the bills----Nope!

Still living here----Nope!

For Posterity: The Pregnancy List!

Kristy's Reasons for No Babies
1. stretch marks
2. EPISEOTOMY (yes I was yelling)
3. linea negra (WTF is that?)
4. mucus plugs
5. pooping on the delivery table and/or baby (my cousin was shat on)
6. I like my boobs NOW
7. milk squirting when someone ELSE's baby cries
8. baby poo has been known to burst out of the legs of their diaper
9. boy babies can somehow end up PEEING in your mouth
10. I have a phobia of breastfeeding
11. they cry in tones my ear could not handle
12. vomit
13. the snot sucking thingy
14. I am selfish
15. I like to sleep
16. I like nice restaurants and shoot daggers out my eyes at parents who bring their crying children into restaurants so it would be hypocritical if I did it
17. Travel
18. I hate cartoons
19. I cannot go to a children music recital without rudely laughing at how bad it is (sorry Meghan)
20. college funds takes away from travel fund
21. Kid Car Insurance
22. your periods change (at least my mom "bleeds like a stuck pig"-my mom's words)
23. daycare
24. I couldn't wait 9 months to drink wine
25. I think episeotomy deserves another mention
26. The play area of Tuttle Mall and Polaris (evil; I call it hell)
27. Stepping barefoot on legos
28. Apparently you can grow hairs out your chin during pregnancy
29. Apparently you will lose your hair after pregnancy
I will end there. As this is the date of my birthday, this month. In May. Don’t forget. But I’ll keep reminding you weekly, don’t worry.

We are going to get an offer today!

It is coming; I can feel it! It is the right time. Our lives are lined up so that it really SHOULD happen. And it will.

Before, it was a ploy to keep us living together and working on things, that is until there is cheating and lying and people being big fat meanies. It seems to be pretty clear that living in the same house isn't going to make our relationship last. In fact, one of us could DIE before it is over.

Universe, bring us an offer! Get this moving! We are SOOOOOO ready.

A letter to my soon to be ex husband...

Dear You,

I am so relieved that you finally made the right decision to let me know you were done trying. It really is the best thing, because living with someone, trying to be intimate with someone (eventhough I'm not sure you know what that word means), all the while hating them is really not healthy for either party. I guess I don't understand how someone can do that, knowing that the other person is trying. Is sacrificing things for YOU. Is wanting things to work out very badly. What does someone tell themselves in order to do that?

I am really sad these days because I am starting to hate you too. It wasn't supposed to be this way. We were supposed to start over. And we were supposed to be THAT MUCH stronger, having weathered things. It turns out, I weathered them, so that you could get even. I guess I know which person will be the better one after all of this. Which one of us will have more broken places that have healed and become stronger (citation: David Wilcox).

It is just so hard to heal with you downstairs. But I suppose you know that, which is why you are there. Yes, there YOU ARE (citation: Friends episode--Ross's wedding to Emily). Please just go. You've really hurt me enough already. Isn't that what you wanted? I guess after all of the decieving, I really don't know, do I? You lied in so many ways. I know so little. Does that make me stupid? No. It makes you a liar.

Kristy

Addition: Can I just say that I have been doing this for a long time...writing letters that won't be sent or seen. With the evolution of the blog, it will probably be seen by someone, maybe not THE person it is to, but it just feels that much better to be honest to all, not just yourself. And if someone ever wants to post one of THEIR letters like this, bring it! It is cathartic.

In Case It Wasn't Obvious...

I'll spell out my feelings. I am angry today. Things haven't even happened, and I am already angry about the possibility that they COULD happen. It may be PMS, because I do get overly frustrated during that time...but this is just a whole lot of anger people!

I don't even know that NOT living in the same house would make this any better. I don't think it even matters where he is living or the fact that I make coffee everynight and he ends up drinking it too. Or that I unload the dishes after he has used some of them and put them in without rinsing. I swear, if all of that wasn't going on, I'd STILL be this angry.

Maybe if I vomit I'll feel better, because Lord knows it makes me nauseous. If only I had to a cat or dog that could poop in his shoes. Then I'd feel better.

Ways to Make Him Move OUT!

1. Get a dog.
2. Gangsta Rap while cooking and getting ready in the morning
3. Canceling the DirecTV
4. Canceling the TIVO!
5. Two Dogs
6. Letting the hot water run the whole time I am getting ready in the morning.
7. Sauteeing an onion a day.
8. Placing tuna under his bed.

Any other suggestions??

Who's Hungover?

I am! I am!

Two nights of eating for over 3 hours and drinking wine. I have finally found MY TYPE of people.

Now if only I could find someone to pay me to eat and drink, rather than it come from my funds, I'd be set!

Line up people! Come pay to see the amazing Kristy! It is money well spent! She eats, she drinks, you think she is done...but no! She is still picking at that calamari! Still wishing for another girly martini. Wait...she just might look at the dessert menu. Will she? Will she? Ohh, no! No room for dessert. I'm sorry folks, you may have to come back tomorrow and see if she splurges on the tiramisu or something with the word cake in the name.

Don't worry. I haven't turned to the whole bulimia thing...but it is tempting. (is it poor taste to joke about eating disorders? maybe)

Someone Slap Me Up Side the Head

I don't want my idiot ex to be the major topic of conversation from here until whenever. So if you are with me, and it is spewing relentlessly. Give me a nice firm whack. Now, try and stay away from the face region. And if you touch my nose, I may give you a forearm to the teeth.

Nuggets of Wisdom

These are from someone who claims openly that he is SO smarter than me.

1. "You found out about that AFTER I broke up with you, so it doesn't matter."
Apparently when you are married, you can still just, break up! Brilliant! I had no idea! So how about you take your 'broken' ass and get out of my FUCKING HOUSE!

2. "We weren't together. We were never really together."
Ah, so for the last 6 months, as I am "cleaving" to you and not speaking to my parents, we weren't together? Remind me again, what does "cleaving" mean?

3. "You act like you are leaving me."
Uh, really? And if so, so what? You sad you aren't winning the "Leaving Contest"? Pobrecito.

This is what He meant when he said arguing with his exwife was pointless. You can't argue with Crazy. Seriously.

How I know I am fine.

1. I had the worst night of sleep last night, with stressful dreams of Him wanting to get back together.

I woke up and just grinned; Thank God it was just a dream.

2. I had a massage and pedicure yesterday. After, I went to Whole Foods for dinner. I walked through the store, sampling cheese, perusing menus (sushi, french, and trattoria), and eyeballing salads, soups and pizza.

I decided upon the trattoria and a raspberry chicken salad and purchased a half bottle of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay. I read my book. I ate my salad. I chatted with the lady to my left. I chatted with the lady to my right. After she left, I chatted with two 50 something men who asked if I was reading a "dirty book". Good to know I've got the mid-life crisis guys, if I want them!

3. I am excited for tonight, cooking my dinner, watching some tivo, and possibly taking a jaunt through a park.

4. My friends are commenting about how happy I am.

Not Sappy Not Sappy!

So I'm doing great. If you don't count the fact that my white tank top smells like stanky too long in the washing machine poo. And I didn't notice until I was at work. And I didn't do it! In fact, I saved these whites from the washing machine, after SOMEONE ELSE forgot to remove them.

Things to buy:
Nothing. I already bought everything.

so

Things to remove from his area of the house:
Dirty clothes hamper
white towels

I purchased a cute new shower curtain last night, inspired by the super funky shower curtain in a bathroom I saw Saturday night.

New things to try this week:
Italian restaurant I've been talking about FOR EV ER.
Meals from a roasted chicken from the grocery store
Taking a half day for a "spa" day (massage AND pedicure)

It's the company you keep.

I spent time with an old friend last night.

I grew up with this person. Not in the sense that I knew him for my whole life. But I knew him when it was most important.

We met in Eighth Grade, history class. He sat in front of me and drove me nuts. I, quite possibly, was mean to him. I could've thought nasty thoughts about him. But at some point he offered me a red lifesaver, and I really wanted the cherry lifesaver, so I agreed to marry him.

Senior year in high school I watched him get forceably removed from a New Years Eve party, after he was standing up for his best friend, to a guy who was eventually a Defensive Back for The Ohio State University. Again, his mouth got him in trouble, this time it was a pick up by the belt loops and toss into the snow.

June, after graduation, we ended up getting lunch together. Twice. Once it was 3pm. It was my first interaction with the freedom I would have in college. I can eat when I want? Really? After the second lunch, we hugged, and I kissed him on the neck. Not sure why. It just seemed right.

Maybe a day later, he kissed me at a party, after I went upstairs to get away from ridiculous arguing amongst people below. We both knew it was life changing. That sounds really overly-dramatic. But it really was. You know, maybe I feel that way more than he does. I don't know. We haven't talked that much about it. Although today, driving back from spending about 24 hours with him as real adults, I can see how I went through a lot of experiences with him. A lot of stuff I wouldn't take back, eventhough some were mistakes.

His offer to cheer me up, take me away from all of the stuff I am going through in my own town, was really special to me. It reminded me of his willingness to run his mouth, for someone he cared for, even if it would send him into the front porch snowbank. Not that I would get him in trouble in anyway, but his loyalty to me as a friend, still, just moves me to tears. I knew I would always love him. And it is still true.

You know, I don't remember details about relationships as much as I do with him. Something about that summer, about the first year of college, about trying to make a long distance relationship work, sticks with me.

I took my first pregnancy test with him. My only pregnancy test. Or if there was another, I don't remember it. (See!) We reminisced last night about the first time we ever drove through Cincinnati as 19 year olds. We were playing dress-up for a university dance, which we never made it to, and went to Mortons for dinner. A lot of my appreciation for everything pleasurable comes from my time with him. But along the lines of that fumbling trip through the city, we fumbled back to a grocery store because I told him about my worry. And he bought the test. And when we talked last night, he remembered with precision the checkout counter and conversation that ensued. Am I delusional to think it was more than the damn pregnancy test that makes him recall it all so vividly?

The first time I ever traveled to stay in a city with a boyfriend, was with him. We went to Boston. He treated me like a princess. We had amazing food. Walked the city. And I didn't feel like I was only 19 or 20. I had sea bass in one restaurant, which was near a church, and it had a purple fluorescent sign. Our Concierge made recomendations and reservations for us. We watched the sunrise on the beach in New Hampshire. There was a blanket, and other things, and we walked the boardwalk after and ate breakfast at a little diner. Even after we broke up, we said we'd go back in five years if we weren't with people. When the five years came around, I was getting married. I'm pretty sure he was with someone too.


It is obvoius we were not supposed to be together forever, looking back, it was me who made that initial decision. That is not what this is about at all. But it is about people and the imprints they leave on you forever. The idea that we become people based on interactions and relationships. I am a better person because of him. I can't really say that about the person I am leaving behind. And that is where my heart breaks. Because six years changed me from that person I was before; the person I really enjoyed being.

It is scary being open. Raw. I have read and reread this post multiple times, not wanting to sound sad or sappy or psycho, for that matter. Because I am not. I am letting myself feel this freedom and acknowledging what it shows me. This is all what I saw today.

Old Moo Train

Southwest Airlines
Baltimore
Train to DC
Two nights in Georgetown
Going to museums with my ipod
ALL ALONE

Yes. All alone.

I bought a plane ticket and made a hotel registration for June. It is going to be pivotal. It is going to be huge!

In Laws Know...

I have not spoken with them. I have not even spoken with my own family. I don't know what I am waiting for. If it is the sale of our house, I shall be waiting for a long time. Nothing is moving. The one bite we had, turned out to be worried about the "golf course situation".

We live on a course. Not on the course, but across the street from people on the course. Nobody pees in our yard. I have never found a ball on the deck. We are safe. And the course is semi-private. And the course owners went bankrupt. But the course was purchased by a 50 something couple who, "have always wanted to own a golf course." Needless to say, I hope they are smart!

So far, the course is open, has a whole list of plans to bring it up to (pardon the pun) par, and they actually got a great chef to get the restaurant open (Spagio! sweet!). So the golf course is safe, but sure enough, not a single home sold while that drama was going on. I hope word gets out it is not going to turn into blowing weeds and government subsidized housing.

Where was I? Oh yes, why I haven't spoken to family. I just don't want people telling me what to do. Or trying to dig me out. I do not want help. I just want to get through this and come out the other end a better person.

If not a better person, surely in a better situation! HE got home yesterday at 10pm or so. Started thawing ground beef under running hot water, while the omelete pan was scorching on the burner. I didn't want to talk to him, but the sight of my Calphalon pan on the burner, smoking, made me twitch. Not to mention his solution was to pour olive oil into it.

And of course, I can't leave it at "Just turn the burner off, it is smoking!"
No.
I have to let him know that I know that he has been surfing for chicks since FEBRUARY!
Nice.
I asked him on Friday if he had created a registration again, or "re-registered." He said no.
His reason for, to me, lying, was, "This is why I am smarter than you; I answer the question asked."

Excellent. Can you see why I am not exactly sad?

Day 5

I've decided to start creating blog posts, and post them when I am ready.

I made another move, putting me closer to actually living upstairs. I moved all of my toiletries into the upstairs bathroom. The shower isn't miserable, the shower curtain is old and stupid. No different when I am getting ready, aside from the fact that I don't have to see him naked in the shower. When I am almost ready, he had been coming in to shower. I had been pretty careful about not walking around in said natural state...he doesn't care.

You know, seeing him naked wasn't some ridiculously HOT occasion. Just unfortunate.

Today I am making a REVENGE dinner. I am using my CROCKPOT to make dinner. He is welcome to eat from it, but he hates the crockpot and how meat comes out. I love it. I love my crockpot. I am going to use it once a week now, because FUCK HIM! That felt good.

As it will hopefully be obvious, I am taking full advantage of starting over. It is more like rediscovering all of the things that I forgot I enjoyed. Like sleeping with the windows open. Reading in bed before falling asleep. Drinking coffee in bed while reading in the morning. These are all things that I loved doing in the summer, but I still was awoken every morning by the television and lulled to sleep everynight by an old MASH, NYPD Blue, or West Wing episode.

Day 3 I went to dinner by myself. I wanted Caesar salad from Le Chatelaine. I sat outside and ate, grading a couple papers in between a couple raindrops that fell. But just a couple. I am thinking about taking a trip alone. These cheap Skybus airfares, the NEW Moo Train, are so tempting. I don't think I've ever made decision without wondering what people would say/think. These seems like the perfect time to start that.

Day 2 we golfed. I cried twice. Frustration from a crappy shot, tied into the ridiculousness of "this is the last time we'll ever golf together." Not to mention another two-some joined us, and it was like pretending to be married again. Again you say? See Day 1.

Day 1 I had to pretend to be married while eating with the inlaws. He had to pretend more, as he had already taken his wedding ring off and had to put it on a couple blocks before their house. He literally said, "3-2-1" as he put it on. I think his wedding ring came off Friday. Before work. Before he told me he was done trying.