Ceasing or Seizing

Two blogs just doesn't seem funny anymore. I direct your attention to just the one:
Cooking for Love
Thanks for stopping by San Diego.

The Grey's Anatomy Project

Goal: Watch three seasons of Grey's by next week.
Current Progress: Four episodes of Season 1.
Observations:
-I have never seen someone look so skinny in pants before. Holy cow Meredith is skinny.
-I am enjoying the soundtrack. And last night I chose to fall asleep with my ipod on, feeling like I too have a soundtrack to my life. In the dark, I just breathe one deep breath and then sink into Steely Dan telling me he wants to learn to play the saxophone.
-Spending this much time in front of my tv has made me want to:
1. Remove my carpet and lay down Pergo.
2. Rearrange my furniture, moving my tv to the corner, but it will block a window, so I think I am over that whim.
3. Get a new tv.

Use it! Own it!

I have decided, when I am at a loss to describe something, and that something is not stressful! It is breezy! It is easy and some may say, "a piece of cake"; to me, it is now going to be "Kindergarten and Cheesecake."

Cheesecake and Kindergarten

I dreamt last night that I was going to start a new blog called "Cheesecake and Kindergarten". I was going to abandon this one, and start a new one. Hmm, two things that are completely unrelated to me. I don't even like cheesecake.

Football Season?

I'm not ready. It is too hot here. It doesn't feel like Chili weather. It doesn't feel like the leaves will ever change. It just isn't time for football.

The last six years have had very specific traditions linked up to football season. It was consistent. It was routine. It was comfortable.

I think the theme for my 29th year is going to be "Letting Go." Letting go of the need to have plans always set. Letting go of the need to map out the week a week in advance. Just allowing myself to unravel a little so that it doesn't always seem so tense if there isn't a PLAN!

And the world will not end if I do not see every play of the game on Saturday. I should not schedule work around the start of the game. (meanwhile inside I am thinking...I don't want to work on Saturdays! That is just going to be torture! Maybe I'll call my boss NOW and let her know I am changing my mind. Now I want to work FRIDAYS!) I am going to start the whole "letting go" thing after I figure out my work schedule. gotta go!

You are a cute little virus, yes you are!

Why the baby talk? Because I had the delight of watching the first baby gifts in my family be received by my sister yesterday. And I have one question to ask the world.

Why do only BABIES get the super-soft blankets? At what point did they decide to deny adults the comfort?

Okay, I have a second question.

Who can STOP buying baby clothes once they start?? Not I! Oh, Sister, you are wondering why there was only ONE outfit included in your gift from me?? Just you wait! (It was the cutest outfit with "Give Peas A Chance" written across the front.)

Now to the subject most important right now...my computer has a virus. And it is a tricky little virus. Almost worthy of BEING a virus it is so tricky.

When I went to download free software to remove the virus, the pop-ups came up so fast and furious that I couldn't do anything except scramble to stop the internet connection. And even that didn't stop them! And CTRL ALT DEL to stop processes, yea, that apparently has been disabled too. Could this be an excellent excuse to get a new laptop? You know, the PINK or LIME colored Dells??

Superstar!

I wish I could post a picture of my Mary Catherine Gallagher inspired cheerleading move, which I revived for our staff meeting today.

I successfully performed this move while announcing to all 85 of us that "My divorce is final Tuesday." **superstar move** Thankfully there was laughter and not looks of horror. It is my intention to make this information public and light-hearted before the name change goes into effect and people are too concerned about upsetting me to ask what's up. Because truthfully, I am fine! And it is a positive move for my life. And He and I BOTH agree it is necessary. And caused by both of our poor decisions. Now WHOSE decisions came first are no longer worth arguing about. NO LONGER WORTH ARGUING ABOUT, I SAY!!

Now Achilles wants more posts. Of course he does! He also does not know that tomorrow is the first day of school. That I am going to be working and not worrying about the Walrus noises from the neighborhood or the state of my lawn. But working also gets me all, well, worked up, so I am sure more posts will be inspired by the cherubs that I get the pleasure of performing for every day.

Stay tuned, year 8 of teaching begins manana.

Dream Revisited

I think we all have dreams that occur more than once. That thought that creeps in at the oddest of times, or maybe it comes when you are in the same mood, or maybe when you've eaten something odd.

One of my dreams involves a beach and gigantic waves. Waves that are impending doom. Waves that are going to crash on top of me and probably leave me tumbling underwater for minutes. I take deep breaths. I try to hold onto something stable. And these dreams have been around since college. So well before tsunamis and that whole business.

Last night I dreamt I was in Australia (should I leave out that the Australia detail probably comes from watching ONE episode of the new Real World TWO days ago??), watching these beautiful huge waves just rise and fall, with minimal concern of them landing over me. I could see the sun reflecting and almost create lightening type brilliance off of the blue water. Like flash bulbs going off. I was sitting outside of a beach house (this detail perhaps come from the book I was reading before bed The Memory Keeper's Daughter), and the water kept creeping up to my feet, as the tide was coming in. Alongside me are my parents. And perhaps there was an owner of the house, because Lord knows we don't summer in Sydney. One of those nightmare waves was suddenly on the horizon. I go to take a deep breath, and my mom just calmly gets up and goes in the house, and we all follow. And poof the fear was over. Thanks Mom!!

I think when I am feeling overwhelmed this dream comes along. Last night I was in a car accident. It was not my fault. And now I just have to hope all the reimbursements come from the other guy's insurance company and my car gets fixed and it is all good. I am worried my car and its damage will make it not quite the same.

Funny note: I think my subconscious gave my mom a reprieve by having her be the hero in my dream. When I called my parents to see if they could come to the scene and assist, my mom is like, "Uh, yea. Let me give the phone to your dad. I was going to go workout." I giggled...thanks mom!!

It is Official

Last night at approximately 2300 hrs, the cells, embedded in the railing of my deck, were demolished with chemical weapons. Under the cover of darness, and hoping to limit any casualties or flesh wounds, the nests were overcome with a precise spray, promising to kill on contact. It was a quick and unexpected attack, with no allied or civilian casualties.

Translation: The Bees are DEAD.

From the Mouths of Old White Lawyer Men

"Everyone lies. It is just who lies the least."

At work last night, an attorney sat down with his wife. This attorney looked familiar, and I instantly knew why. I have had the pleasure of jury duty and it was for an entertaining case, involving a stocky 6 pack a day man with the gout who hurt his knee sliding around in the backseat of a taxicab while holding a hotdog in one hand and an ice cold coke in the other. He wanted over 100k because he could no longer work.

The guy got ZIP.

The attorney I saw last night represented this guy. And HE said, "I represent stupid people."

Well if everyone lies, why didn't Gout Guy have better lies?

Profound Use of Ellipsis

"The thing that p's me off...is that we have to learn these lessons and REAL relationships have to die...to learn them....that is a huge cost...I hate that."

Ignoring the insane amount of ellipsis, this is still a quote that rings true. It may not ring true to everyone, because I'm not sure everyone has had the pleasure of experiencing so much wrong in order to make a right. I've experienced a lot of wrong. I think I now deserve all of the right that I'm experiencing. And the hardest part is trying to figure out how I deserved all of that WRONG.

Sleeper Cells

I have an agreement with the bees on my property. They don't bug me, and I don't bug them. So I can sit peacefully, one will buzz ever so gently past me, and I don't freak out, flailing and squeeling like a banshee.

They have turned on me. They have used their passive nature to lull me into an unsuspecting state. And have created two forts in the railing of my deck, and now I think they are planning to surround me, leaving me helpless and my allowance of their presence taken advantage of. Could this be Bee War?

I took the angry end of a spatula to one of the forts. As I inserted the handled end, I realized that the railing was deep, meaning the fort was created similar to the Pentagon. It looks harmless and only a couple floor high, but that bitch goes down like 20! These bees had taken lessons from our own Defense Department! Oh their good!

Banging the end around inside, a couple scouts flew out, but after surveying the damage, realized I had done no harm and went back to working. The second fort, no different. I will have to resort to WMD. Chemical Warfare. These jerks cannot make me live a life lacking freedom! Freedom to grill! Freedom to sun myself! Freedom to deck drink! Freedom to do all of those self-indulgent things a Good American partakes in!

Deep Thought for the Day

Love means Nothing, to me.
It is a word so overused that it should only be used for things that can't express emotion back.

Like cheese, a sunset, the stars, and cold beer after work.

Expressions of love are so much more important than just saying the word. It ruins it to look back at all those we've "loved" before. My love for cheese will never be past tense.

Mammograms

In honor of the breast talk yesterday...go to this blog and laugh your boobies off.

Spelling Bee: Smart Ass

As I teach writing to a student that hates the mere idea of putting his ideas onto paper, I am reminded about how I think. When I brainstorm, it goes everywhere, and often changes the direction of the initial idea drastically.

Example: I wanted to write about being a smart ass. I am one. Self proclaimed not ashamed. The joke has always been that if you graduate from my high school, you must excel in the topic. My brainstorm began with the two words, went through a clever definition, and yada yada yada it ended with breastfeeding. WHAT?!

Let me take you through my steps. I think the term probably originated in early civilizations when donkeys were used as cheap labor. If you had a smart donkey, it was probably rare. This donkey was also stubborn. I think smart ass people are stubborn, for sure! I think they also are smart asses to protect themselves from actually sharing their true feelings; donkey's couldn't tell their cheap owners they didn't want to tow that big bag o' rocks, coffee beans, what have you, and so they'd just go slowly to avoid the inevitable. Because how often does a smart ass get to the point? A smart ass comment is a stall before the truth. What is truth? Honesty. Why is honesty hard? Because it leaves you vulnerable. What else leaves you vulnerable? Having a baby gnawing on your nipples. Hence...breastfeeding.

Phew!

What matters to me most in writing is the voice. It is the ability to hear the person and to feel like you are reading something authentic. Without even knowing someone, an author, it should feel like the story is true and sincere. I feel like I lost my voice last week. I could write on many topics but I don't know how authentic it would be.

I just finished a book by Amy Tan. She is a Chinese American author with many novels; two of them I have read and were both about mother-daughter relationships. I think looking analytically at an immediate relationship has much bias. I don't choose to look at that currently.

My mom's mother once responded to a request of mine in a way that made me think I truly knew her and could see her soul. While seated at the kitchen table on a Sunday afternoon, I asked her, "Can I see your wedding ring?"

As she took it off to let me hold it, she replied, "Do you want it?"

The look on her face, the edge of her voice, showed me that she was unhappy. But what could she do about it? At that time, she was in her 70s, and had been married probably 3 times as long as she had been single in her life. I think she probably did a lot of the same things I do to hide from discontent. She cooked a lot. Had set routines to the week. Tried to please the one person who probably would always be at least a little displeased, her husband.

To go through the details of the rise and fall and freedom from that relationship are painful. As with anything of the generations slowly aging and fading, it involves sickness, neglect, and death. But She came out with a freedom that caused her to have a large amount of fear, I think. Fear of having a vast pool to jump into, and yet such a large space to drown in as well.

At 82, she remarried and is sitting comfortably watching a whole new line up of baseball games and old western movies. It is her comfort that matters, and who are we to judge if it is the softest of leather couches or the hardest futon with little give. For some people it is just the chance to sit down, with someone next to you to hold your hand.

I write this to tell a story. To look at how the traits of our families are etched in our bones, often without a choice. A fear of being alone. Fear of succombing to unhappiness and replacing the bad with good. At 29, I am not 87. Not even close, but there is something in her that I think explains little parts of me.

And if I don't write with my voice, out of fear of the hard conversations and people actually reading me, I'll lose my voice forever. (I'll try and be funny tomorrow; I promise!)

My Love

I just paused the movie The Departed to say that I am in love with Leonardo DiCaprio. And Malbecs from the Mendoza region of Argentina.

Thank you and Happy F-in 4th of July.

What The...??/

I was setting up my sprinkler this morning, and I swear someone let their walrus out and he was barking up a storm. I don't know what type of animal makes this noise, but it was so weird! I even put a bra on, thinking I would go walk around the block to find it, but by the time I got the girls in their home, it had stopped.

Feeling Mute

I have not said more than 5 words to someone since Tuesday. That feels really weird. And the only people I have spoken to were in the "service industry", and it doesn't really feel like it counts. (Little observation of DC...the service industry isn't that great.)

Now I guess I should clarify that I spoke on the phone to my mom and my dad. But in person to a living human being, nothin'.

Now that I am back in town, I feel like I want to talk or see someone. More importantly, I want to cook! So if you want to come for dinner, let me know :) Ha. It is Friday. Kinda short notice. Whatever...drop everything so I can talk to someone before I go buy a cat.

CHANGING THE SUBJECT (my nose itches just THINKING about cat hair)
Some more observations about DC.

1. Very few wedding rings.

2. ANOTHER person asked me directions.

3. I saw the most entertaining jewish man on the train from DC to Baltimore. He was loud, large, and had one of the funnier phone conversations ever. If I WAS actually mute, he would've made me snort, similar to Goth Girl in The Breakfast Club. His conversation went like this:
"HELL-OH?" (very loudly)
"I don't care. You want spaggheti, or a macaroni, or pizza? I could go for pizza. Oh Franks. That sounds fine." (pause)
"You know if you have anymore of the kinnish, I'd really like that kinnish with the franks. If we do Franks we'll need more ______ (insert inaudible word of something that I may have NO idea what it was)."
"Oh our trip? Well I thought we'd talk about that tomorrow."
"You want to get some bagel? And something to put on it? Make sandwhiches or something?"
Then abruptly..."bye".
Now if this is not entertaining, I will say I was mighty tired and probably punchy.

4. Arlington National Cemetery: I saw a funeral, heard the gun shots, and then saw the army wheel in three HUGE guns on wheels, and heard those fired when I was leaving. And the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was hot, like handsome, but probably sweaty too. Some wise owl told me that they had identified the remains of the unknown soldier. In no way did they notate this at the Tomb. Makes me wonder if they buried that guy with his name and such, and replaced it with remains of ANOTHER unknown. I'm sure there are MORE!

Observations from DC

1. Why does the EPA building take up so much Environment? It is ENORMOUS
2. Indian food tastes the same in DC as it does in Ohio. Good job Amul India.
3. I saw a little person today and TWO albinos. Oh the diversity here!
4. TWICE people asked ME for directions. So thrilled that I look like I belong.
5. I don't think I have ever crossed so many streets in one day in my life. People told me to take mace; seriously, the danger of being HIT crossing one of the bajillion streets seems much greater!
6. Walking by George Washington Hospital and Medical School makes me want to be a doctor. Uh, little late, yah?

Having a great time!