down and back up.

Everyone deserves a good breakdown every now and again.

Unfortunately mine comes, provoked by words of another, on an already stressful day. And if you've ever tried to NOT cry in front of 50 kids, you'll know that it is terribly difficult.

I don't discuss things that happened a year ago because I am trying to deal with the present. It isn't because I am not willing to put blame on myself. Or because I feel blameless now. I know things ended because of me. Because I was not enough for someone. After seeing all of the stuff going on, it is funny that I was not the one that ended it. I just was trying and trying and it wasn't enough; or it wasn't trying the right way, with the right things. Although when someone is truly trying BACK, they aren't doing that other stuff too.

And maybe some of the things I was doing wrong were indeed that I didn't really know who I was when I was with him. And I didn't know how to voice who I actually was deep down inside TO HIM. I can't explain why it was different. Maybe it was the conversation. Maybe it was alittle to do with how he talked to me. I've always said that at work, I am ME. WIth my girlfriends, I am ME. That is really why I keep writing. So I am actively pursuing that person inside so that I can meet someone who makes ME feel like she is always out.

I think we all know now what He is doing and that I am trying to deal with it. It isn't really necessary to chronicalize (word?) it any further.

For those who wondered...yes. He is still alive. And boy is he kicking, if kicks come in words intended to make someone feel about wee big.

I suppose if my affairs were posted like this, I'd kick too.